Admitting the Fear

Many days I feel okay, or even happy, with having a son who's walking his own path. But, sometimes I feel really afraid. What's he going to be like in ten years, when he's the size of a man? Will he talk? Will he still cry when we get off the freeway? Will he ever be self sufficient in any way? When we die, will it be left to my daughter to care for him? When he was two, everybody said 'oh there's so much time'. And people still say it. Soon, it'll be five, and 'there's so much time'. I can't think about the future for too long, because I start to choke with fear. I have never wanted to let his differences slow us down, but sometimes we do have really hard days. And those hard days feel like ten steps backwards, compared to the one or two steps forward we seem to strive for most of the time.

He's so sweet, so loving, so funny. I know he's smart. I know that little brain is ticking away. But, I wish I knew more of how it worked. Perhaps, it's just the control freak in me that has such a hard time with the unknown. I just want him to be happy. I want both kids to feel happy and fulfilled. I want myself to feel happy and fulfilled. Failing for one's children is the biggest fear of all. There's so much mess to wrap up in my head, and I can't ever seem to find enough mental file cabinets.

I'm considering making this an 'actual blog'. I don't know that I have the time or energy to deal with any kind of self promotion, but perhaps like minded souls will stumble across it and know they aren't alone. 

The Saga Begins

So, offspring number one just turned four in January. She is clearly (to me, and my husband, and who knows who else) gifted; we just don't know to what level yet. She is one of those more stereotypically academic gifted children. Knew her ABCs at 18 months and a host of other things. Currently can fairly easily read at a 5th/6th grade level with pretty decent comprehension. Blows through 2nd/3rd grade books like they're nothing. And she's four. I've done so much reading about schooling options and my anxiety on the subject grows, the older she gets. I've already posted here about some of my negative experiences in public school. I've read many horror stories on gifted webpages and forums about the lack of support for gifted children in school systems. Don't get me wrong - I think most teachers are great, and they care about children. They're certainly not in it for the money. But, I also think the general system is what fails children. Between class room sizes, testing and a general lack of knowledge GIVEN to teachers ABOUT gifted children. So, I agreed, like a reasonable person, to give the local public school a chance and at least check it out. It's very early still, but if we are going to consider some of the upper end private schools, we have to get her on a list far before she's actually ready to go to school.

So, today we went up to the elementary school in our neighborhood to meet with the principal. My overall initial impression was it was 'fine'. Neither terrible or impressive. But, the more I think about it, the more irritated I become at some of the comments. It's entirely possible my own view point colors some things in a more negative light, but I don't think it's all me. One of the things that just really sticks out to me, is kind of how she framed up the whole thing. Firstly, there is very minimal enrichment available prior to the 3rd grade. She mentioned something about how it's not uncommon for a FIRST GRADER to read at a third grade level. Okay, well that's nice, but my FOUR year old currently flies through a 3rd grade book..so who knows where she'll be in another 2-3 years! But, she basically tells us in some very convoluted way that they group smart kids together but sometimes kids just have to realize life's not fair, or however she framed it up. But, what if I came in there with a special needs kid (which may very well be the truth in a few years, we don't know yet). Would we be told 'Hey, we'll make a few minimal strides to help your kid, but they just need to realize now that life isn't fair'. Uh? How would people react to that if it was for a child behind the curve and not ahead of the curve? It already starts to make me feel like I'm starting to relive my own school years. I am really trying to keep an open mind and not be defensive, but she also made comments that almost insinuated we were trying to 'push' our child. Like there's something wrong with wanting my child to make the most use of her natural intelligence. She LOVES to learn. I've never pushed her once. She is very self motivated. The word 'socialization' was also thrown around in regards to comparing smaller class rooms (we didn't even bring up that terrible homeschooling idea). Ugh, I hate that word, I really do. As someone who was homeschooled and happens to be perfectly adept at socializing with other humans, I scoff at those concerns. Anyway, the whole thing has me crabby. And it's only beginning. Hopefully the next chapter will bring a better experience.

Rivers Running Over

There are rivers of poetry running through my head at the most inopportune times. I can write entire novels lying in bed in the middle of the night, but by the time I get to the place that I can try and write them down, I just stare at a blank page. It seems to happen with every creative idea I come up, or even with thoughts and feelings I'd like to extract. Maybe that's a summary of my life all together. All these great plans and ideas are running through my head and yet I feel like I am able to accomplish such a small number of them. I guess that brings me to a recent self revelation. I'm not sure that I'm actually an A type. I feel like I'm not actually organized enough to be a true 'Type A'. I CAN be organized, but then I look at all the places I fail to be organized in my life and I go 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I live up to this label?'

Then I forgot all about finishing this thought. Unsurprising. Maybe I will later. But, maybe never.

The Spaces In Between

I actually write posts for this blog all the time. In my head. They just never make it to the blog. Someday, maybe?

I need to organize this jumbled mess.

Little Things, Big Impact

Long time, no post. Having a second child really takes it out of you, let me tell you that... Anyway, here are one of the things on my mind right now.

It's interesting how seemingly tiny events in your life can stick with you for entirely too long. Why are certain memories such triggers for strong emotions? I was only in public school for a relatively short period of time. I started in Kindergarten and got moved into the first grade. Then I was taken out in fourth grade. I went back for the majority of sixth grade due to life situations, and after that I didn't go anymore. There are two specific instances that made huge negative impressions on me as a child. These are two instances I have honestly come back to again and again over the years, wishing I could tell the teachers involved how I felt about the situation. I was on the Davidson forums and there was a thread and someone asked about times gifted children felt misunderstood. At the time I was reading it, these didn't come to mind, but now that I think about it, they are perfect examples of being misunderstood.

So, in an effort to try and let it go, I'm going to write some open letters to these teachers.  

Dear Fourth Grade Homeroom Teacher, 

I had been quite content in the elementary school. I was able to attend gifted and talented classes three times a week and it kept me from becoming too overwhelmingly bored. However, after switching to the "intermediate school" I was only able to take classes once per week, since I now had to be bussed over to the elementary school to do so. I remember sitting in your class one morning and I had finished whatever trite busywork you had given us and I politely raised my hand to ask for more to do. And, I won't lie, perhaps my memory is fooling me, but I remember that you snapped at me and told me to be quiet and put my head down until everybody else was down. I can remember fighting back the tears. Why was I being punished? Why was finishing my work early something wrong? It's not as if I started acting out, being noisy or being a distraction to others. I was behaving within the confines of the classroom rules, yet I was still being punished. Perhaps one reason this sticks out in my mind so much is that it had never happened to me. I had never once been punished in school before, and perhaps you didn't intend this to be 'punishment' but that's what it felt like to me. I am incredibly thankful that because of someone like you, who didn't try and understand and encourage a child like me, that my Mother decided to take me out of public school short thereafter. I hope that if you ever had the chance to teach a gifted child after that, that instead of squashing them and trying to fit them into a box that makes your life easier, you tried to do your best to encourage their minds.

-B


 _____________________________________  

Dear Sixth Grade Homeroom Teacher, 


This was an incredibly difficult time in my life. You didn't know that and it really has no bearing on what happened. Every afternoon in homeroom we would have a period where we were supposed to read, and you would initial the number of pages we read. I have been a voracious reader since I was very small. By the time I was in sixth grade, I would read college text books just for fun. But, on the day in my memory, I happened to be reading the book 'Beauty' by Bill Wallace. It's only around a 3rd - 7th level and it was the third time I had read it (what can I say, I loved horse books). It only makes sense that I would be reading it very, very quickly. Even faster than my already speedy normal reading speed. However, when I gave you the page I recorded my numbers on, you flat out told me I didn't read that many pages and you wouldn't sign for it. You acted like you were disgusted with me because I was lying to you. I tried to insist I had read that many but you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't ask any questions. You didn't ask if I'd read the book before. All you did was assume the worst of me. I remember trying so hard to hold back my tears. I felt embarrassed, even though I had done nothing wrong. I'm not sure why you never seemed to like me, despite the fact I was never anything but perfectly behaved. I hope that in the future you stopped to think before you made a brash judgment about something a student did. I hope that you softened in time. 

-B


Both of these instances probably seem pretty insignificant to most people. It's not as if every time I think of them I am stricken to tears. They just seemed to make some kind of long lasting impression on me about public school in particular. I KNOW that there are good teachers out there. I had a couple of teachers I really liked in public school. I have friends that are teachers and I know they care very much about their students. Unfortunately, I also know that public schools tend to force teachers to cater to the lowest common denominator and that children who skew on the other side of the curve tend to get left out of the equation. The teachers above, I feel, were at fault in these situations. They were disrespectful to me. How hard would it have been to throw me another sheet of busy work or to ask me a couple of questions about how I had managed to read so many pages? Instead, they followed the idea of 'I'm the teacher and I'm right, you're the student and you're wrong' (think about the bit from Matilda, if you've seen it.. I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong). It's so important to remember that even a small interaction with someone can make a lasting impression on their lives. These people have, all these years later, made me scared to send my children to a public school. Especially knowing that my daughter is my clone and will no doubt follow a very similar path as myself. I never want her to feel punished because she's intelligent and ahead of the curve. It's nothing that you should ever have to feel shame or embarrassment over, and yet so many children (especially females!) do.

Uninspired and radically inspired at the same time?

I am not sure if I mentioned my great need for change during this pregnancy. There is this overwhelming sense of urgency to change my life, myself, and my surroundings. I don't remember experiencing this when I was pregnant the first time. I wonder if part of it is because this pregnancy was a 'surprise' and the lack of control over the whole situation is driving my inner control freak insane. There seem to be a few key issues I'm facing.

For one, life just feels cluttered. Both in a physical sense and in an emotional and mental sense. I really want to streamline the amount of stuff we have and I want to set more time aside to be free from electronic distractions. Life seems so fast and heavy. You have so much stimulus being thrown at you from every angle. Generally, for somebody like me, who requires this kind of scenario to be content, it's great. But, right now it just feels overwhelming. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping any. I'm tired of wasting time and energy getting angry at the internet. It's just not worth the effort, when I could be applying that energy toward more useful actions.

My second issue is that I am having the worst time being happy with what I do. After five years, I am really feeling the burn out. I feel stuck in this uncreative, uninspired rut. My feet are dragging and my heart isn't in it. Again, a lot of this feeling has come on while I've been pregnant so I think the issues I've had (emotionally AND physically) with the pregnancy are affecting my mindset toward my career (and my 'art' if you will). I'm hoping that post-baby, I can do some things to get my fires burning again. It seems I've lost myself somewhere along the way, as cliche as that sounds.

It's been so interesting that reading about gifted children has really caused me to re-evaluate myself. I'm seeing myself in ways I never could before. I'm just ready to shake things up and keep my spark alive. There is no settling.

A Tidbit

"Gifted children and adults see the world differently because of the complexity of their thought processes and their emotional intensity.    People often say to them, “Why do you make everything so complicated?” “Why do you take everything so seriously?”  “Why is everything so important to you?”  The gifted are “too” everything:  too sensitive, too intense, too driven, too honest, too idealistic, too moral, too perfectionistic, and too much for other people! Even if they try their entire lives to fit in, they still feel like misfits.  The damage we do to gifted children and adults by ignoring this phenomenon is far greater than any damage we might do by labeling it.  Without the label for their differences, the gifted come up with their own label:  “I must be crazy.  No one else is upset by this injustice but me.”"

Or as most people tell me.. 'Just relax'. And I tell them.. if only it was that easy. My relax button is broken. Or, perhaps it's just missing entirely.

Source: http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/resources/parent-and-professional-resources/articles/issues-in-gifted-education/what-is-giftedness/

Limiting My Potential?

It's really strange how it feels like I've unintentionally limited my own potential over the last (who knows how many) few years. I've become so stagnant. Even though I didn't find going to college particularly stimulating (primarily stressful), it still often felt like my brain was moving in the 'right' direction. I have my business and I'm always trying to improve myself there, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I require such a strong amount of stimulation to feel, well, stimulated. Boredom tends to lead me straight into depression. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way, but I didn't really realize it.

I've always known I was an intelligent person. I knew I had been tested as 'gifted'. But, it seems the farther I got from my youth, the farther I got from that as well. I guess part of it is just that you tend to level out a little, because there is a ceiling of progression on certain skills. But, somewhere I just lost focus on my brain. I think you're always learning something, but I have often felt like I was just on auto pilot. Especially after having a child.

Yesterday, just out of curiosity, I was asking my Mother about my gifted testing. She says* that I tested at an IQ of 168 in the third grade. She also says the school told her that was the highest score of any child that had come through their system and they felt like I could do high school level work. I had always had it in my mind that my score was around the 147/148 mark. Of course, I believe this was on the SB L-M, and I know scores on 'modern' tests tend to be quite a bit lower for people who test on both, but it would still equal out to the exceptionally gifted range.


*My Mother has never been the type to exaggerate things for the sake of bragging. She's pretty practical and honest, BUT I'm not vouching 100% for her memory. Ha.

I say all this because my reaction was... But, I don't feel that smart. What is someone who is 'exceptionally gifted' supposed to feel like? I so often feel that I should be able to leap every hurdle in life as if it's nothing. Mentally I know this isn't the case. Being a 'gifted' person doesn't mean you're a perfect person. That doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for not being perfect.

I've been examining myself a lot lately. I am trying not to take my feelings and my habits (quirks) for granted. Reading more into gifted children, as an adult, really opens my eyes to how different I was as a child. Not better, just different.

That brings me into my other thought, and I'm not sure if I've already said this here or not. I find it slightly discouraging that people can talk freely about their children's mental facilities in the aspect of things like autism/aspergers or other developmental issues...but, if you want to talk about your child being gifted, than you're either full of crap or you're bragging. I see it as being so similar, actually, but most people don't.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm sure I'll have more to ramble about later.

Gifted is a dirty word, but ego is a dirtier one.

I'm certainly not without my faults. I can easily give you a list of faults a mile long. I know I have had my moments where I certainly felt I was more intelligent than most of the people around me. However, I always try and keep a level head. I don't walk around as if I am some all knowing, holy deity and others are blessed to be in the presence of my swelled head. Intelligence is not the end all of being a human being. Yes, I get frustrated often by people I feel are 'stupid'. I often get frustrated by people who don't do things the way I would do them (which is the majority of people). But, there is a point at which ego crosses a line. Just think about Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. How does anybody tolerate him? He is a character. He's meant to be an exaggeration. It's not so much his many quirks, but his unrelenting superiority complex, that makes him so obnoxious (with just enough lovable bits thrown in to hook the audience, of course).

Does it somehow make me less gifted if I don't act like an asshole?  I know some people who always, always have to prove their point. Why? What kind of terrible insecurity are you suffering that you must make it very clear to everybody that you are always right? I think that really hits the nail on the head for the majority of people. It's a lack of confidence in oneself that makes people desperate to have others look up to them.

Perhaps it is my own ego that clashes with these people. I don't believe I know 'it all', or anywhere close to 'it all', but I still would hate for anybody to imply that I am of lesser intelligence. Maybe I can't tolerate either extreme. Maybe, I just need more sleep. Strike that. I definitely need more sleep.

Rediscovering Myself

It's different when you look back at your childhood as an adult. I lived through it, obviously, but I feel so removed from it now. I have been reading so much information on gifted children and it gives me this weird flashback feeling, as if  someone was watching me and writing these things. Then, I immediately feel as conceited as that sounds. Am I really as intelligent as I think I am? When I see my childhood self, I can see that I was clearly gifted. However, I often don't feel that way anymore. I suppose it's all a matter of perception. Everybody tells me how impressed they are by things I do, but I feel they're just giving me lip service. My expectations are so lofty, but I still feel like I should be able to accomplish them.

I look at myself and I wonder sometimes, why aren't I some uppity asshole in a gifted forum who likes to virtually run around trying to dominate everybody else with my superior vocabulary? Some people seem to think that's what 'gifted' is. I rarely read anymore, which makes me sad. It also  makes me feel like I'm not entitled to say I'm intelligent. What happened to the days of pouring over encyclopedias and college textbooks for 'fun'? Oh right. I have a kid (plus half of one), a business, a husband and a home. Those things take time, even for a gifted person.

But, I need to stop and recognize who I am. It's who I've always been. Just because I'm not some holier than thou scholar doesn't mean I've somehow lost my worth. I remember a therapist told me once, "Even if you do nothing but sit on that couch, you have value." I try to remember this when I feel like I can't live up to my own standards.

I had a point when I started this post, but I lost it somewhere between the third and fourth time my toddler required my attention. Until next time.

True Words

This was posted on the Supporting Gifted Learners Facebook page and I just felt it was so true.

‎100 Words of Wisdom: Rose Blackett

“Giftedness is quirky; she wears her unique feather cloak with abandon. She cares little for how others judge her as she dances her own sequence through a colourful life. Giftedness has learned to accept her intensity but often still feels vulnerable. When she enters a room, others notice her peculiar movements; she cannot be the chameleon and just blend. She is close friends with Talent and Ability, although they sometimes find her too sensitive. She uses humour with skill and although popular, wonders if the impostor she hides beneath her unusual exterior will one day be revealed to the world …” 

First published in SENGVine, December 2012.

Invisible Mountains and Demon Slayers

I haven't been in the best frame of mind for a while now. Logically, I can recognize that I'm depressed. I've been experiencing some of the worst depression I've felt in a long time. It's actually slightly better than it was a couple of weeks ago; but I still feel unhappy. On top of already feeling unhappy, I feel guilty for even feeling that way. I'm very much a supporter of the idea that 'all emotions are valid' but I can't help beating myself up a little bit. There is no reason for me to be depressed. I can only assume it was triggered by being exhausted, overworked and pregnant. But, now I'm not so overworked, and yet I'm still depressed. It's incredibly frustrating. I have no motivation;  no excitement. I'm exhausted all the time. I've fought many bouts with depression in my life, but in the past I always had some trigger to blame it on. Now, I can only blame it on myself.

Admitting I have a problem doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I have zero desire to take any kind of medication for it, especially being pregnant. I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and feel good again. I have so many thoughts that make me sad and ashamed. Not to mention my brain needs a good thorough spring cleaning.

The munchkin, on the other hand, is just amazing. Her speech is on at least a three year old level (she'll be two three weeks). Her understanding and perception just blows me away. Sometimes I forget how young she is, because she's so incredibly bright. She picks up on the smallest things and she remembers things after only seeing or hearing them once. Now, if only we can get the potty training thing done!

Accepting the In Between

I've always been the type to have the attitude 'anything other than first place is last place'. Either I can do 100% or I'm a complete failure. I honestly feel this attitude is completely self instilled. If I am not going full tilt, exhausting myself every single day, then I feel like it's not enough. Even on many days that I do push myself as much as I could; I will still wish I had done more. I feel like it's a constant journey for me to accept something in between. As a teenager, during a therapist visit I was once told 'even if you are just sitting on this couch doing absolutely nothing, you still have value'. Even though I heard this so many years ago and it seems to have stuck with me, I haven't been able to really convince myself that it's true. If I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Now, I don't walk around every day thinking to myself "You're a failure!". Sometimes I just go and I don't think. But when I start to look at lists and compare (as I'm so fond of doing) I feel that chest tightening anxiety creep up. I've only done eight things today and taken care of myself and my child? That's nothing! I should have done twelve. Or, perhaps fifteen. My husband is always telling me I need to find that middle ground. If only I could negate the need for pesky sleep, I could get so much more done!

Some days I do well with positive affirmation. I say, hey, doing all these tasks was a great accomplishment. You deserve a break. But, I find it hard to take a break. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I told myself that I was NOT going to do any business type work on Thanksgiving. But, I had such a hard time just sitting down and relaxing. I got up and cleaned. I tried to stay away from the computer, because I simply cannot sit at my computer without gravitating toward work. I have a lot of self inflicted guilt trips. If I'm sitting down and not working, I feel like a lazy bum and I feel the guilt. Why don't I deserve to relax? I'm always encouraging other people to relax and reward themselves but I can't seem to encourage myself to do so.

It's always a work in progress. Acceptance is the first step, right?

Comparisons

I've written probably six posts in my head, but I have a hard time coming in and actually putting them into written word. There are a few traps that I fall into. One is the whole 'I'm busy! So busy! I'm running around like the infamous headless chicken.' Which is true. But, the other trap is that I have a hard time trying to nail my thoughts down in some way that makes sense. The writing flows so smoothly in my head but when it's time to type it up, it just doesn't come out right. Anyway.

I have three brothers in total, all younger than me. One is only nineteen months younger, he's #2. One is nearly four full years younger, and he's #3. Number four is much younger, at almost thirteen years behind me. When it was just #2, #3 and myself, #2 and I used to get very frustrated with #3 because he seemed so different than us. My mother would tell us that we were both 'above average' while #3 was just 'normal' ... but that's okay. Now that I look back on that as an adult, I feel like pointing out the fact he was 'normal' while we were 'above' implies that it wasn't okay.

As the time passes I feel pretty confident that our daughter is gifted. It's not just her abilities that are easily measured, like knowing the alphabet, and some phonics, shapes, colors and so forth. It's also her maturity, her sense of humor, the way she interacts - really, everything about her. She seems so much older than she is, and sometimes I forget that she is still such a baby (almost 22 months). And now we are expecting a second child in late April of next year. I am afraid of being unable to resist the temptation to compare them. With our daughter being so phenomenal, will I be awed by our second child as well? What if they are 'just average'? I feel guilty just thinking that phrase, because it feels like I'm being my mother all over again. I'm implying that there is something wrong with average. I guess it's related to the fear I had before we had our first. I truly was afraid that perhaps I would be unable to relate if I had an 'average' child. So much guilt. I feel like I'm some failure of a parent because I wouldn't be the type to just blindly say my child is perfect no matter what. I guess there are so many things in life that you can't know for sure until you live them, and this is one of those things.

Oh, and I did want to add to the credit of my brother (#3), I do think he is 'above average' now that we are both adults. I can see more about him that I didn't see as a child. But, our lives were chaotic and unfortunately, #2 and I bonded a lot closer (probably largely due to our close ages) than I really ever did with #3.  I happen to think all of my brothers are very intelligent in their own ways and they all have their own special capabilities. I hope that since I can see this with my brothers, that I won't have an issue seeing it with my children as well.

The "G" Word

I was a gifted child. Perhaps I should say I am now a gifted adult, but honestly it doesn’t feel like it on a lot of days. I feel weird saying it. Gifted. It seems to have such negative connotations. As if those who know they are gifted are implying that they are perfect. Nobody is perfect; no matter how smart you are. It’s a word met with doubt and disgust. “Everybody thinks their child is gifted.” Do they, really? I think that those who hope for giftedness don’t fully understand what it entails.

For years I feel like I’ve pushed this behind me. Perhaps part of it was just feeling disappointed with myself; feeling like I wasn’t all that intelligent after all. But having my daughter and watching her blossom has really set me in motion. I see all the possibilities in her and I feel like I have to be in touch with myself to be the best mother that I can be. All the thoughts in my head are a jumbled mess (as they often are these days) but I wanted to get them out. Even if it is just a piece at a time.