I've always been the type to have the attitude 'anything other than first place is last place'. Either I can do 100% or I'm a complete failure. I honestly feel this attitude is completely self instilled. If I am not going full tilt, exhausting myself every single day, then I feel like it's not enough. Even on many days that I do push myself as much as I could; I will still wish I had done more. I feel like it's a constant journey for me to accept something in between. As a teenager, during a therapist visit I was once told 'even if you are just sitting on this couch doing absolutely nothing, you still have value'. Even though I heard this so many years ago and it seems to have stuck with me, I haven't been able to really convince myself that it's true. If I am not perfect, I am a failure.
Now, I don't walk around every day thinking to myself "You're a failure!". Sometimes I just go and I don't think. But when I start to look at lists and compare (as I'm so fond of doing) I feel that chest tightening anxiety creep up. I've only done eight things today and taken care of myself and my child? That's nothing! I should have done twelve. Or, perhaps fifteen. My husband is always telling me I need to find that middle ground. If only I could negate the need for pesky sleep, I could get so much more done!
Some days I do well with positive affirmation. I say, hey, doing all these tasks was a great accomplishment. You deserve a break. But, I find it hard to take a break. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I told myself that I was NOT going to do any business type work on Thanksgiving. But, I had such a hard time just sitting down and relaxing. I got up and cleaned. I tried to stay away from the computer, because I simply cannot sit at my computer without gravitating toward work. I have a lot of self inflicted guilt trips. If I'm sitting down and not working, I feel like a lazy bum and I feel the guilt. Why don't I deserve to relax? I'm always encouraging other people to relax and reward themselves but I can't seem to encourage myself to do so.
It's always a work in progress. Acceptance is the first step, right?
I understand your blog title entirely.
ReplyDeleteI am a teacher of the gifted, currently separated from my creative-gifted husband (but continuing to hope for reconciliation), mother to a gifted underachiever due to her dyslexia, and very quick to think, but not necessarily gifted, myself! I can annoy others who don't think as quickly, have been labelled a pessimist instead of a forward-thinker who can see possible trouble spots long before others. Keep speaking ... I have blogged intermittently on Thinkersonline (at www.debbie.co.nz)