Many days I feel okay, or even happy, with having a son who's walking his own path. But, sometimes I feel really afraid. What's he going to be like in ten years, when he's the size of a man? Will he talk? Will he still cry when we get off the freeway? Will he ever be self sufficient in any way? When we die, will it be left to my daughter to care for him? When he was two, everybody said 'oh there's so much time'. And people still say it. Soon, it'll be five, and 'there's so much time'. I can't think about the future for too long, because I start to choke with fear. I have never wanted to let his differences slow us down, but sometimes we do have really hard days. And those hard days feel like ten steps backwards, compared to the one or two steps forward we seem to strive for most of the time.
He's so sweet, so loving, so funny. I know he's smart. I know that little brain is ticking away. But, I wish I knew more of how it worked. Perhaps, it's just the control freak in me that has such a hard time with the unknown. I just want him to be happy. I want both kids to feel happy and fulfilled. I want myself to feel happy and fulfilled. Failing for one's children is the biggest fear of all. There's so much mess to wrap up in my head, and I can't ever seem to find enough mental file cabinets.
I'm considering making this an 'actual blog'. I don't know that I have the time or energy to deal with any kind of self promotion, but perhaps like minded souls will stumble across it and know they aren't alone.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The Saga Begins
So, offspring number one just turned four in January. She is clearly (to me, and my husband, and who knows who else) gifted; we just don't know to what level yet. She is one of those more stereotypically academic gifted children. Knew her ABCs at 18 months and a host of other things. Currently can fairly easily read at a 5th/6th grade level with pretty decent comprehension. Blows through 2nd/3rd grade books like they're nothing. And she's four. I've done so much reading about schooling options and my anxiety on the subject grows, the older she gets. I've already posted here about some of my negative experiences in public school. I've read many horror stories on gifted webpages and forums about the lack of support for gifted children in school systems.
Don't get me wrong - I think most teachers are great, and they care about children. They're certainly not in it for the money. But, I also think the general system is what fails children. Between class room sizes, testing and a general lack of knowledge GIVEN to teachers ABOUT gifted children.
So, I agreed, like a reasonable person, to give the local public school a chance and at least check it out. It's very early still, but if we are going to consider some of the upper end private schools, we have to get her on a list far before she's actually ready to go to school.
So, today we went up to the elementary school in our neighborhood to meet with the principal. My overall initial impression was it was 'fine'. Neither terrible or impressive. But, the more I think about it, the more irritated I become at some of the comments. It's entirely possible my own view point colors some things in a more negative light, but I don't think it's all me. One of the things that just really sticks out to me, is kind of how she framed up the whole thing. Firstly, there is very minimal enrichment available prior to the 3rd grade. She mentioned something about how it's not uncommon for a FIRST GRADER to read at a third grade level. Okay, well that's nice, but my FOUR year old currently flies through a 3rd grade book..so who knows where she'll be in another 2-3 years! But, she basically tells us in some very convoluted way that they group smart kids together but sometimes kids just have to realize life's not fair, or however she framed it up. But, what if I came in there with a special needs kid (which may very well be the truth in a few years, we don't know yet). Would we be told 'Hey, we'll make a few minimal strides to help your kid, but they just need to realize now that life isn't fair'. Uh? How would people react to that if it was for a child behind the curve and not ahead of the curve? It already starts to make me feel like I'm starting to relive my own school years. I am really trying to keep an open mind and not be defensive, but she also made comments that almost insinuated we were trying to 'push' our child. Like there's something wrong with wanting my child to make the most use of her natural intelligence. She LOVES to learn. I've never pushed her once. She is very self motivated. The word 'socialization' was also thrown around in regards to comparing smaller class rooms (we didn't even bring up that terrible homeschooling idea). Ugh, I hate that word, I really do. As someone who was homeschooled and happens to be perfectly adept at socializing with other humans, I scoff at those concerns. Anyway, the whole thing has me crabby. And it's only beginning. Hopefully the next chapter will bring a better experience.
So, today we went up to the elementary school in our neighborhood to meet with the principal. My overall initial impression was it was 'fine'. Neither terrible or impressive. But, the more I think about it, the more irritated I become at some of the comments. It's entirely possible my own view point colors some things in a more negative light, but I don't think it's all me. One of the things that just really sticks out to me, is kind of how she framed up the whole thing. Firstly, there is very minimal enrichment available prior to the 3rd grade. She mentioned something about how it's not uncommon for a FIRST GRADER to read at a third grade level. Okay, well that's nice, but my FOUR year old currently flies through a 3rd grade book..so who knows where she'll be in another 2-3 years! But, she basically tells us in some very convoluted way that they group smart kids together but sometimes kids just have to realize life's not fair, or however she framed it up. But, what if I came in there with a special needs kid (which may very well be the truth in a few years, we don't know yet). Would we be told 'Hey, we'll make a few minimal strides to help your kid, but they just need to realize now that life isn't fair'. Uh? How would people react to that if it was for a child behind the curve and not ahead of the curve? It already starts to make me feel like I'm starting to relive my own school years. I am really trying to keep an open mind and not be defensive, but she also made comments that almost insinuated we were trying to 'push' our child. Like there's something wrong with wanting my child to make the most use of her natural intelligence. She LOVES to learn. I've never pushed her once. She is very self motivated. The word 'socialization' was also thrown around in regards to comparing smaller class rooms (we didn't even bring up that terrible homeschooling idea). Ugh, I hate that word, I really do. As someone who was homeschooled and happens to be perfectly adept at socializing with other humans, I scoff at those concerns. Anyway, the whole thing has me crabby. And it's only beginning. Hopefully the next chapter will bring a better experience.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Rivers Running Over
There are rivers of poetry running through my head at the most inopportune times. I can write entire novels lying in bed in the middle of the night, but by the time I get to the place that I can try and write them down, I just stare at a blank page. It seems to happen with every creative idea I come up, or even with thoughts and feelings I'd like to extract. Maybe that's a summary of my life all together. All these great plans and ideas are running through my head and yet I feel like I am able to accomplish such a small number of them. I guess that brings me to a recent self revelation. I'm not sure that I'm actually an A type. I feel like I'm not actually organized enough to be a true 'Type A'. I CAN be organized, but then I look at all the places I fail to be organized in my life and I go 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I live up to this label?'
Then I forgot all about finishing this thought. Unsurprising. Maybe I will later. But, maybe never.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
The Spaces In Between
I actually write posts for this blog all the time. In my head. They just never make it to the blog. Someday, maybe?
I need to organize this jumbled mess.
I need to organize this jumbled mess.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Little Things, Big Impact
Long time, no post. Having a second child really takes it out of you, let me tell you that... Anyway, here are one of the things on my mind right now.
It's interesting how seemingly tiny events in your life can stick with you for entirely too long. Why are certain memories such triggers for strong emotions? I was only in public school for a relatively short period of time. I started in Kindergarten and got moved into the first grade. Then I was taken out in fourth grade. I went back for the majority of sixth grade due to life situations, and after that I didn't go anymore. There are two specific instances that made huge negative impressions on me as a child. These are two instances I have honestly come back to again and again over the years, wishing I could tell the teachers involved how I felt about the situation. I was on the Davidson forums and there was a thread and someone asked about times gifted children felt misunderstood. At the time I was reading it, these didn't come to mind, but now that I think about it, they are perfect examples of being misunderstood.
So, in an effort to try and let it go, I'm going to write some open letters to these teachers.
Dear Fourth Grade Homeroom Teacher,
I had been quite content in the elementary school. I was able to attend gifted and talented classes three times a week and it kept me from becoming too overwhelmingly bored. However, after switching to the "intermediate school" I was only able to take classes once per week, since I now had to be bussed over to the elementary school to do so. I remember sitting in your class one morning and I had finished whatever trite busywork you had given us and I politely raised my hand to ask for more to do. And, I won't lie, perhaps my memory is fooling me, but I remember that you snapped at me and told me to be quiet and put my head down until everybody else was down. I can remember fighting back the tears. Why was I being punished? Why was finishing my work early something wrong? It's not as if I started acting out, being noisy or being a distraction to others. I was behaving within the confines of the classroom rules, yet I was still being punished. Perhaps one reason this sticks out in my mind so much is that it had never happened to me. I had never once been punished in school before, and perhaps you didn't intend this to be 'punishment' but that's what it felt like to me. I am incredibly thankful that because of someone like you, who didn't try and understand and encourage a child like me, that my Mother decided to take me out of public school short thereafter. I hope that if you ever had the chance to teach a gifted child after that, that instead of squashing them and trying to fit them into a box that makes your life easier, you tried to do your best to encourage their minds.
-B
_____________________________________
Dear Sixth Grade Homeroom Teacher,
This was an incredibly difficult time in my life. You didn't know that and it really has no bearing on what happened. Every afternoon in homeroom we would have a period where we were supposed to read, and you would initial the number of pages we read. I have been a voracious reader since I was very small. By the time I was in sixth grade, I would read college text books just for fun. But, on the day in my memory, I happened to be reading the book 'Beauty' by Bill Wallace. It's only around a 3rd - 7th level and it was the third time I had read it (what can I say, I loved horse books). It only makes sense that I would be reading it very, very quickly. Even faster than my already speedy normal reading speed. However, when I gave you the page I recorded my numbers on, you flat out told me I didn't read that many pages and you wouldn't sign for it. You acted like you were disgusted with me because I was lying to you. I tried to insist I had read that many but you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't ask any questions. You didn't ask if I'd read the book before. All you did was assume the worst of me. I remember trying so hard to hold back my tears. I felt embarrassed, even though I had done nothing wrong. I'm not sure why you never seemed to like me, despite the fact I was never anything but perfectly behaved. I hope that in the future you stopped to think before you made a brash judgment about something a student did. I hope that you softened in time.
-B
Both of these instances probably seem pretty insignificant to most people. It's not as if every time I think of them I am stricken to tears. They just seemed to make some kind of long lasting impression on me about public school in particular. I KNOW that there are good teachers out there. I had a couple of teachers I really liked in public school. I have friends that are teachers and I know they care very much about their students. Unfortunately, I also know that public schools tend to force teachers to cater to the lowest common denominator and that children who skew on the other side of the curve tend to get left out of the equation. The teachers above, I feel, were at fault in these situations. They were disrespectful to me. How hard would it have been to throw me another sheet of busy work or to ask me a couple of questions about how I had managed to read so many pages? Instead, they followed the idea of 'I'm the teacher and I'm right, you're the student and you're wrong' (think about the bit from Matilda, if you've seen it.. I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong). It's so important to remember that even a small interaction with someone can make a lasting impression on their lives. These people have, all these years later, made me scared to send my children to a public school. Especially knowing that my daughter is my clone and will no doubt follow a very similar path as myself. I never want her to feel punished because she's intelligent and ahead of the curve. It's nothing that you should ever have to feel shame or embarrassment over, and yet so many children (especially females!) do.
It's interesting how seemingly tiny events in your life can stick with you for entirely too long. Why are certain memories such triggers for strong emotions? I was only in public school for a relatively short period of time. I started in Kindergarten and got moved into the first grade. Then I was taken out in fourth grade. I went back for the majority of sixth grade due to life situations, and after that I didn't go anymore. There are two specific instances that made huge negative impressions on me as a child. These are two instances I have honestly come back to again and again over the years, wishing I could tell the teachers involved how I felt about the situation. I was on the Davidson forums and there was a thread and someone asked about times gifted children felt misunderstood. At the time I was reading it, these didn't come to mind, but now that I think about it, they are perfect examples of being misunderstood.
So, in an effort to try and let it go, I'm going to write some open letters to these teachers.
Dear Fourth Grade Homeroom Teacher,
I had been quite content in the elementary school. I was able to attend gifted and talented classes three times a week and it kept me from becoming too overwhelmingly bored. However, after switching to the "intermediate school" I was only able to take classes once per week, since I now had to be bussed over to the elementary school to do so. I remember sitting in your class one morning and I had finished whatever trite busywork you had given us and I politely raised my hand to ask for more to do. And, I won't lie, perhaps my memory is fooling me, but I remember that you snapped at me and told me to be quiet and put my head down until everybody else was down. I can remember fighting back the tears. Why was I being punished? Why was finishing my work early something wrong? It's not as if I started acting out, being noisy or being a distraction to others. I was behaving within the confines of the classroom rules, yet I was still being punished. Perhaps one reason this sticks out in my mind so much is that it had never happened to me. I had never once been punished in school before, and perhaps you didn't intend this to be 'punishment' but that's what it felt like to me. I am incredibly thankful that because of someone like you, who didn't try and understand and encourage a child like me, that my Mother decided to take me out of public school short thereafter. I hope that if you ever had the chance to teach a gifted child after that, that instead of squashing them and trying to fit them into a box that makes your life easier, you tried to do your best to encourage their minds.
-B
_____________________________________
Dear Sixth Grade Homeroom Teacher,
This was an incredibly difficult time in my life. You didn't know that and it really has no bearing on what happened. Every afternoon in homeroom we would have a period where we were supposed to read, and you would initial the number of pages we read. I have been a voracious reader since I was very small. By the time I was in sixth grade, I would read college text books just for fun. But, on the day in my memory, I happened to be reading the book 'Beauty' by Bill Wallace. It's only around a 3rd - 7th level and it was the third time I had read it (what can I say, I loved horse books). It only makes sense that I would be reading it very, very quickly. Even faster than my already speedy normal reading speed. However, when I gave you the page I recorded my numbers on, you flat out told me I didn't read that many pages and you wouldn't sign for it. You acted like you were disgusted with me because I was lying to you. I tried to insist I had read that many but you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't ask any questions. You didn't ask if I'd read the book before. All you did was assume the worst of me. I remember trying so hard to hold back my tears. I felt embarrassed, even though I had done nothing wrong. I'm not sure why you never seemed to like me, despite the fact I was never anything but perfectly behaved. I hope that in the future you stopped to think before you made a brash judgment about something a student did. I hope that you softened in time.
-B
Both of these instances probably seem pretty insignificant to most people. It's not as if every time I think of them I am stricken to tears. They just seemed to make some kind of long lasting impression on me about public school in particular. I KNOW that there are good teachers out there. I had a couple of teachers I really liked in public school. I have friends that are teachers and I know they care very much about their students. Unfortunately, I also know that public schools tend to force teachers to cater to the lowest common denominator and that children who skew on the other side of the curve tend to get left out of the equation. The teachers above, I feel, were at fault in these situations. They were disrespectful to me. How hard would it have been to throw me another sheet of busy work or to ask me a couple of questions about how I had managed to read so many pages? Instead, they followed the idea of 'I'm the teacher and I'm right, you're the student and you're wrong' (think about the bit from Matilda, if you've seen it.. I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong). It's so important to remember that even a small interaction with someone can make a lasting impression on their lives. These people have, all these years later, made me scared to send my children to a public school. Especially knowing that my daughter is my clone and will no doubt follow a very similar path as myself. I never want her to feel punished because she's intelligent and ahead of the curve. It's nothing that you should ever have to feel shame or embarrassment over, and yet so many children (especially females!) do.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Uninspired and radically inspired at the same time?
I am not sure if I mentioned my great need for change during this pregnancy. There is this overwhelming sense of urgency to change my life, myself, and my surroundings. I don't remember experiencing this when I was pregnant the first time. I wonder if part of it is because this pregnancy was a 'surprise' and the lack of control over the whole situation is driving my inner control freak insane. There seem to be a few key issues I'm facing.
For one, life just feels cluttered. Both in a physical sense and in an emotional and mental sense. I really want to streamline the amount of stuff we have and I want to set more time aside to be free from electronic distractions. Life seems so fast and heavy. You have so much stimulus being thrown at you from every angle. Generally, for somebody like me, who requires this kind of scenario to be content, it's great. But, right now it just feels overwhelming. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping any. I'm tired of wasting time and energy getting angry at the internet. It's just not worth the effort, when I could be applying that energy toward more useful actions.
My second issue is that I am having the worst time being happy with what I do. After five years, I am really feeling the burn out. I feel stuck in this uncreative, uninspired rut. My feet are dragging and my heart isn't in it. Again, a lot of this feeling has come on while I've been pregnant so I think the issues I've had (emotionally AND physically) with the pregnancy are affecting my mindset toward my career (and my 'art' if you will). I'm hoping that post-baby, I can do some things to get my fires burning again. It seems I've lost myself somewhere along the way, as cliche as that sounds.
It's been so interesting that reading about gifted children has really caused me to re-evaluate myself. I'm seeing myself in ways I never could before. I'm just ready to shake things up and keep my spark alive. There is no settling.
For one, life just feels cluttered. Both in a physical sense and in an emotional and mental sense. I really want to streamline the amount of stuff we have and I want to set more time aside to be free from electronic distractions. Life seems so fast and heavy. You have so much stimulus being thrown at you from every angle. Generally, for somebody like me, who requires this kind of scenario to be content, it's great. But, right now it just feels overwhelming. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping any. I'm tired of wasting time and energy getting angry at the internet. It's just not worth the effort, when I could be applying that energy toward more useful actions.
My second issue is that I am having the worst time being happy with what I do. After five years, I am really feeling the burn out. I feel stuck in this uncreative, uninspired rut. My feet are dragging and my heart isn't in it. Again, a lot of this feeling has come on while I've been pregnant so I think the issues I've had (emotionally AND physically) with the pregnancy are affecting my mindset toward my career (and my 'art' if you will). I'm hoping that post-baby, I can do some things to get my fires burning again. It seems I've lost myself somewhere along the way, as cliche as that sounds.
It's been so interesting that reading about gifted children has really caused me to re-evaluate myself. I'm seeing myself in ways I never could before. I'm just ready to shake things up and keep my spark alive. There is no settling.
Friday, March 8, 2013
A Tidbit
"Gifted children and adults see the world differently because of the complexity of their thought processes and their emotional intensity. People often say to them, “Why do you make everything so complicated?” “Why do you take everything so seriously?” “Why is everything so important to you?” The gifted are “too” everything: too sensitive, too intense, too driven, too honest, too idealistic, too moral, too perfectionistic, and too much for other people! Even if they try their entire lives to fit in, they still feel like misfits. The damage we do to gifted children and adults by ignoring this phenomenon is far greater than any damage we might do by labeling it. Without the label for their differences, the gifted come up with their own label: “I must be crazy. No one else is upset by this injustice but me.”"
Or as most people tell me.. 'Just relax'. And I tell them.. if only it was that easy. My relax button is broken. Or, perhaps it's just missing entirely.
Source: http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/resources/parent-and-professional-resources/articles/issues-in-gifted-education/what-is-giftedness/
Or as most people tell me.. 'Just relax'. And I tell them.. if only it was that easy. My relax button is broken. Or, perhaps it's just missing entirely.
Source: http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/resources/parent-and-professional-resources/articles/issues-in-gifted-education/what-is-giftedness/
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