Limiting My Potential?

It's really strange how it feels like I've unintentionally limited my own potential over the last (who knows how many) few years. I've become so stagnant. Even though I didn't find going to college particularly stimulating (primarily stressful), it still often felt like my brain was moving in the 'right' direction. I have my business and I'm always trying to improve myself there, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I require such a strong amount of stimulation to feel, well, stimulated. Boredom tends to lead me straight into depression. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way, but I didn't really realize it.

I've always known I was an intelligent person. I knew I had been tested as 'gifted'. But, it seems the farther I got from my youth, the farther I got from that as well. I guess part of it is just that you tend to level out a little, because there is a ceiling of progression on certain skills. But, somewhere I just lost focus on my brain. I think you're always learning something, but I have often felt like I was just on auto pilot. Especially after having a child.

Yesterday, just out of curiosity, I was asking my Mother about my gifted testing. She says* that I tested at an IQ of 168 in the third grade. She also says the school told her that was the highest score of any child that had come through their system and they felt like I could do high school level work. I had always had it in my mind that my score was around the 147/148 mark. Of course, I believe this was on the SB L-M, and I know scores on 'modern' tests tend to be quite a bit lower for people who test on both, but it would still equal out to the exceptionally gifted range.


*My Mother has never been the type to exaggerate things for the sake of bragging. She's pretty practical and honest, BUT I'm not vouching 100% for her memory. Ha.

I say all this because my reaction was... But, I don't feel that smart. What is someone who is 'exceptionally gifted' supposed to feel like? I so often feel that I should be able to leap every hurdle in life as if it's nothing. Mentally I know this isn't the case. Being a 'gifted' person doesn't mean you're a perfect person. That doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for not being perfect.

I've been examining myself a lot lately. I am trying not to take my feelings and my habits (quirks) for granted. Reading more into gifted children, as an adult, really opens my eyes to how different I was as a child. Not better, just different.

That brings me into my other thought, and I'm not sure if I've already said this here or not. I find it slightly discouraging that people can talk freely about their children's mental facilities in the aspect of things like autism/aspergers or other developmental issues...but, if you want to talk about your child being gifted, than you're either full of crap or you're bragging. I see it as being so similar, actually, but most people don't.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm sure I'll have more to ramble about later.

Gifted is a dirty word, but ego is a dirtier one.

I'm certainly not without my faults. I can easily give you a list of faults a mile long. I know I have had my moments where I certainly felt I was more intelligent than most of the people around me. However, I always try and keep a level head. I don't walk around as if I am some all knowing, holy deity and others are blessed to be in the presence of my swelled head. Intelligence is not the end all of being a human being. Yes, I get frustrated often by people I feel are 'stupid'. I often get frustrated by people who don't do things the way I would do them (which is the majority of people). But, there is a point at which ego crosses a line. Just think about Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. How does anybody tolerate him? He is a character. He's meant to be an exaggeration. It's not so much his many quirks, but his unrelenting superiority complex, that makes him so obnoxious (with just enough lovable bits thrown in to hook the audience, of course).

Does it somehow make me less gifted if I don't act like an asshole?  I know some people who always, always have to prove their point. Why? What kind of terrible insecurity are you suffering that you must make it very clear to everybody that you are always right? I think that really hits the nail on the head for the majority of people. It's a lack of confidence in oneself that makes people desperate to have others look up to them.

Perhaps it is my own ego that clashes with these people. I don't believe I know 'it all', or anywhere close to 'it all', but I still would hate for anybody to imply that I am of lesser intelligence. Maybe I can't tolerate either extreme. Maybe, I just need more sleep. Strike that. I definitely need more sleep.