Rediscovering Myself

It's different when you look back at your childhood as an adult. I lived through it, obviously, but I feel so removed from it now. I have been reading so much information on gifted children and it gives me this weird flashback feeling, as if  someone was watching me and writing these things. Then, I immediately feel as conceited as that sounds. Am I really as intelligent as I think I am? When I see my childhood self, I can see that I was clearly gifted. However, I often don't feel that way anymore. I suppose it's all a matter of perception. Everybody tells me how impressed they are by things I do, but I feel they're just giving me lip service. My expectations are so lofty, but I still feel like I should be able to accomplish them.

I look at myself and I wonder sometimes, why aren't I some uppity asshole in a gifted forum who likes to virtually run around trying to dominate everybody else with my superior vocabulary? Some people seem to think that's what 'gifted' is. I rarely read anymore, which makes me sad. It also  makes me feel like I'm not entitled to say I'm intelligent. What happened to the days of pouring over encyclopedias and college textbooks for 'fun'? Oh right. I have a kid (plus half of one), a business, a husband and a home. Those things take time, even for a gifted person.

But, I need to stop and recognize who I am. It's who I've always been. Just because I'm not some holier than thou scholar doesn't mean I've somehow lost my worth. I remember a therapist told me once, "Even if you do nothing but sit on that couch, you have value." I try to remember this when I feel like I can't live up to my own standards.

I had a point when I started this post, but I lost it somewhere between the third and fourth time my toddler required my attention. Until next time.

True Words

This was posted on the Supporting Gifted Learners Facebook page and I just felt it was so true.

‎100 Words of Wisdom: Rose Blackett

“Giftedness is quirky; she wears her unique feather cloak with abandon. She cares little for how others judge her as she dances her own sequence through a colourful life. Giftedness has learned to accept her intensity but often still feels vulnerable. When she enters a room, others notice her peculiar movements; she cannot be the chameleon and just blend. She is close friends with Talent and Ability, although they sometimes find her too sensitive. She uses humour with skill and although popular, wonders if the impostor she hides beneath her unusual exterior will one day be revealed to the world …” 

First published in SENGVine, December 2012.

Invisible Mountains and Demon Slayers

I haven't been in the best frame of mind for a while now. Logically, I can recognize that I'm depressed. I've been experiencing some of the worst depression I've felt in a long time. It's actually slightly better than it was a couple of weeks ago; but I still feel unhappy. On top of already feeling unhappy, I feel guilty for even feeling that way. I'm very much a supporter of the idea that 'all emotions are valid' but I can't help beating myself up a little bit. There is no reason for me to be depressed. I can only assume it was triggered by being exhausted, overworked and pregnant. But, now I'm not so overworked, and yet I'm still depressed. It's incredibly frustrating. I have no motivation;  no excitement. I'm exhausted all the time. I've fought many bouts with depression in my life, but in the past I always had some trigger to blame it on. Now, I can only blame it on myself.

Admitting I have a problem doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I have zero desire to take any kind of medication for it, especially being pregnant. I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and feel good again. I have so many thoughts that make me sad and ashamed. Not to mention my brain needs a good thorough spring cleaning.

The munchkin, on the other hand, is just amazing. Her speech is on at least a three year old level (she'll be two three weeks). Her understanding and perception just blows me away. Sometimes I forget how young she is, because she's so incredibly bright. She picks up on the smallest things and she remembers things after only seeing or hearing them once. Now, if only we can get the potty training thing done!