Many days I feel okay, or even happy, with having a son who's walking his own path. But, sometimes I feel really afraid. What's he going to be like in ten years, when he's the size of a man? Will he talk? Will he still cry when we get off the freeway? Will he ever be self sufficient in any way? When we die, will it be left to my daughter to care for him? When he was two, everybody said 'oh there's so much time'. And people still say it. Soon, it'll be five, and 'there's so much time'. I can't think about the future for too long, because I start to choke with fear. I have never wanted to let his differences slow us down, but sometimes we do have really hard days. And those hard days feel like ten steps backwards, compared to the one or two steps forward we seem to strive for most of the time.
He's so sweet, so loving, so funny. I know he's smart. I know that little brain is ticking away. But, I wish I knew more of how it worked. Perhaps, it's just the control freak in me that has such a hard time with the unknown. I just want him to be happy. I want both kids to feel happy and fulfilled. I want myself to feel happy and fulfilled. Failing for one's children is the biggest fear of all. There's so much mess to wrap up in my head, and I can't ever seem to find enough mental file cabinets.
I'm considering making this an 'actual blog'. I don't know that I have the time or energy to deal with any kind of self promotion, but perhaps like minded souls will stumble across it and know they aren't alone.
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