Limiting My Potential?

It's really strange how it feels like I've unintentionally limited my own potential over the last (who knows how many) few years. I've become so stagnant. Even though I didn't find going to college particularly stimulating (primarily stressful), it still often felt like my brain was moving in the 'right' direction. I have my business and I'm always trying to improve myself there, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I require such a strong amount of stimulation to feel, well, stimulated. Boredom tends to lead me straight into depression. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way, but I didn't really realize it.

I've always known I was an intelligent person. I knew I had been tested as 'gifted'. But, it seems the farther I got from my youth, the farther I got from that as well. I guess part of it is just that you tend to level out a little, because there is a ceiling of progression on certain skills. But, somewhere I just lost focus on my brain. I think you're always learning something, but I have often felt like I was just on auto pilot. Especially after having a child.

Yesterday, just out of curiosity, I was asking my Mother about my gifted testing. She says* that I tested at an IQ of 168 in the third grade. She also says the school told her that was the highest score of any child that had come through their system and they felt like I could do high school level work. I had always had it in my mind that my score was around the 147/148 mark. Of course, I believe this was on the SB L-M, and I know scores on 'modern' tests tend to be quite a bit lower for people who test on both, but it would still equal out to the exceptionally gifted range.


*My Mother has never been the type to exaggerate things for the sake of bragging. She's pretty practical and honest, BUT I'm not vouching 100% for her memory. Ha.

I say all this because my reaction was... But, I don't feel that smart. What is someone who is 'exceptionally gifted' supposed to feel like? I so often feel that I should be able to leap every hurdle in life as if it's nothing. Mentally I know this isn't the case. Being a 'gifted' person doesn't mean you're a perfect person. That doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for not being perfect.

I've been examining myself a lot lately. I am trying not to take my feelings and my habits (quirks) for granted. Reading more into gifted children, as an adult, really opens my eyes to how different I was as a child. Not better, just different.

That brings me into my other thought, and I'm not sure if I've already said this here or not. I find it slightly discouraging that people can talk freely about their children's mental facilities in the aspect of things like autism/aspergers or other developmental issues...but, if you want to talk about your child being gifted, than you're either full of crap or you're bragging. I see it as being so similar, actually, but most people don't.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm sure I'll have more to ramble about later.

Gifted is a dirty word, but ego is a dirtier one.

I'm certainly not without my faults. I can easily give you a list of faults a mile long. I know I have had my moments where I certainly felt I was more intelligent than most of the people around me. However, I always try and keep a level head. I don't walk around as if I am some all knowing, holy deity and others are blessed to be in the presence of my swelled head. Intelligence is not the end all of being a human being. Yes, I get frustrated often by people I feel are 'stupid'. I often get frustrated by people who don't do things the way I would do them (which is the majority of people). But, there is a point at which ego crosses a line. Just think about Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. How does anybody tolerate him? He is a character. He's meant to be an exaggeration. It's not so much his many quirks, but his unrelenting superiority complex, that makes him so obnoxious (with just enough lovable bits thrown in to hook the audience, of course).

Does it somehow make me less gifted if I don't act like an asshole?  I know some people who always, always have to prove their point. Why? What kind of terrible insecurity are you suffering that you must make it very clear to everybody that you are always right? I think that really hits the nail on the head for the majority of people. It's a lack of confidence in oneself that makes people desperate to have others look up to them.

Perhaps it is my own ego that clashes with these people. I don't believe I know 'it all', or anywhere close to 'it all', but I still would hate for anybody to imply that I am of lesser intelligence. Maybe I can't tolerate either extreme. Maybe, I just need more sleep. Strike that. I definitely need more sleep.

Rediscovering Myself

It's different when you look back at your childhood as an adult. I lived through it, obviously, but I feel so removed from it now. I have been reading so much information on gifted children and it gives me this weird flashback feeling, as if  someone was watching me and writing these things. Then, I immediately feel as conceited as that sounds. Am I really as intelligent as I think I am? When I see my childhood self, I can see that I was clearly gifted. However, I often don't feel that way anymore. I suppose it's all a matter of perception. Everybody tells me how impressed they are by things I do, but I feel they're just giving me lip service. My expectations are so lofty, but I still feel like I should be able to accomplish them.

I look at myself and I wonder sometimes, why aren't I some uppity asshole in a gifted forum who likes to virtually run around trying to dominate everybody else with my superior vocabulary? Some people seem to think that's what 'gifted' is. I rarely read anymore, which makes me sad. It also  makes me feel like I'm not entitled to say I'm intelligent. What happened to the days of pouring over encyclopedias and college textbooks for 'fun'? Oh right. I have a kid (plus half of one), a business, a husband and a home. Those things take time, even for a gifted person.

But, I need to stop and recognize who I am. It's who I've always been. Just because I'm not some holier than thou scholar doesn't mean I've somehow lost my worth. I remember a therapist told me once, "Even if you do nothing but sit on that couch, you have value." I try to remember this when I feel like I can't live up to my own standards.

I had a point when I started this post, but I lost it somewhere between the third and fourth time my toddler required my attention. Until next time.

True Words

This was posted on the Supporting Gifted Learners Facebook page and I just felt it was so true.

‎100 Words of Wisdom: Rose Blackett

“Giftedness is quirky; she wears her unique feather cloak with abandon. She cares little for how others judge her as she dances her own sequence through a colourful life. Giftedness has learned to accept her intensity but often still feels vulnerable. When she enters a room, others notice her peculiar movements; she cannot be the chameleon and just blend. She is close friends with Talent and Ability, although they sometimes find her too sensitive. She uses humour with skill and although popular, wonders if the impostor she hides beneath her unusual exterior will one day be revealed to the world …” 

First published in SENGVine, December 2012.

Invisible Mountains and Demon Slayers

I haven't been in the best frame of mind for a while now. Logically, I can recognize that I'm depressed. I've been experiencing some of the worst depression I've felt in a long time. It's actually slightly better than it was a couple of weeks ago; but I still feel unhappy. On top of already feeling unhappy, I feel guilty for even feeling that way. I'm very much a supporter of the idea that 'all emotions are valid' but I can't help beating myself up a little bit. There is no reason for me to be depressed. I can only assume it was triggered by being exhausted, overworked and pregnant. But, now I'm not so overworked, and yet I'm still depressed. It's incredibly frustrating. I have no motivation;  no excitement. I'm exhausted all the time. I've fought many bouts with depression in my life, but in the past I always had some trigger to blame it on. Now, I can only blame it on myself.

Admitting I have a problem doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I have zero desire to take any kind of medication for it, especially being pregnant. I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and feel good again. I have so many thoughts that make me sad and ashamed. Not to mention my brain needs a good thorough spring cleaning.

The munchkin, on the other hand, is just amazing. Her speech is on at least a three year old level (she'll be two three weeks). Her understanding and perception just blows me away. Sometimes I forget how young she is, because she's so incredibly bright. She picks up on the smallest things and she remembers things after only seeing or hearing them once. Now, if only we can get the potty training thing done!

Accepting the In Between

I've always been the type to have the attitude 'anything other than first place is last place'. Either I can do 100% or I'm a complete failure. I honestly feel this attitude is completely self instilled. If I am not going full tilt, exhausting myself every single day, then I feel like it's not enough. Even on many days that I do push myself as much as I could; I will still wish I had done more. I feel like it's a constant journey for me to accept something in between. As a teenager, during a therapist visit I was once told 'even if you are just sitting on this couch doing absolutely nothing, you still have value'. Even though I heard this so many years ago and it seems to have stuck with me, I haven't been able to really convince myself that it's true. If I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Now, I don't walk around every day thinking to myself "You're a failure!". Sometimes I just go and I don't think. But when I start to look at lists and compare (as I'm so fond of doing) I feel that chest tightening anxiety creep up. I've only done eight things today and taken care of myself and my child? That's nothing! I should have done twelve. Or, perhaps fifteen. My husband is always telling me I need to find that middle ground. If only I could negate the need for pesky sleep, I could get so much more done!

Some days I do well with positive affirmation. I say, hey, doing all these tasks was a great accomplishment. You deserve a break. But, I find it hard to take a break. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I told myself that I was NOT going to do any business type work on Thanksgiving. But, I had such a hard time just sitting down and relaxing. I got up and cleaned. I tried to stay away from the computer, because I simply cannot sit at my computer without gravitating toward work. I have a lot of self inflicted guilt trips. If I'm sitting down and not working, I feel like a lazy bum and I feel the guilt. Why don't I deserve to relax? I'm always encouraging other people to relax and reward themselves but I can't seem to encourage myself to do so.

It's always a work in progress. Acceptance is the first step, right?

Comparisons

I've written probably six posts in my head, but I have a hard time coming in and actually putting them into written word. There are a few traps that I fall into. One is the whole 'I'm busy! So busy! I'm running around like the infamous headless chicken.' Which is true. But, the other trap is that I have a hard time trying to nail my thoughts down in some way that makes sense. The writing flows so smoothly in my head but when it's time to type it up, it just doesn't come out right. Anyway.

I have three brothers in total, all younger than me. One is only nineteen months younger, he's #2. One is nearly four full years younger, and he's #3. Number four is much younger, at almost thirteen years behind me. When it was just #2, #3 and myself, #2 and I used to get very frustrated with #3 because he seemed so different than us. My mother would tell us that we were both 'above average' while #3 was just 'normal' ... but that's okay. Now that I look back on that as an adult, I feel like pointing out the fact he was 'normal' while we were 'above' implies that it wasn't okay.

As the time passes I feel pretty confident that our daughter is gifted. It's not just her abilities that are easily measured, like knowing the alphabet, and some phonics, shapes, colors and so forth. It's also her maturity, her sense of humor, the way she interacts - really, everything about her. She seems so much older than she is, and sometimes I forget that she is still such a baby (almost 22 months). And now we are expecting a second child in late April of next year. I am afraid of being unable to resist the temptation to compare them. With our daughter being so phenomenal, will I be awed by our second child as well? What if they are 'just average'? I feel guilty just thinking that phrase, because it feels like I'm being my mother all over again. I'm implying that there is something wrong with average. I guess it's related to the fear I had before we had our first. I truly was afraid that perhaps I would be unable to relate if I had an 'average' child. So much guilt. I feel like I'm some failure of a parent because I wouldn't be the type to just blindly say my child is perfect no matter what. I guess there are so many things in life that you can't know for sure until you live them, and this is one of those things.

Oh, and I did want to add to the credit of my brother (#3), I do think he is 'above average' now that we are both adults. I can see more about him that I didn't see as a child. But, our lives were chaotic and unfortunately, #2 and I bonded a lot closer (probably largely due to our close ages) than I really ever did with #3.  I happen to think all of my brothers are very intelligent in their own ways and they all have their own special capabilities. I hope that since I can see this with my brothers, that I won't have an issue seeing it with my children as well.