Accepting the In Between

I've always been the type to have the attitude 'anything other than first place is last place'. Either I can do 100% or I'm a complete failure. I honestly feel this attitude is completely self instilled. If I am not going full tilt, exhausting myself every single day, then I feel like it's not enough. Even on many days that I do push myself as much as I could; I will still wish I had done more. I feel like it's a constant journey for me to accept something in between. As a teenager, during a therapist visit I was once told 'even if you are just sitting on this couch doing absolutely nothing, you still have value'. Even though I heard this so many years ago and it seems to have stuck with me, I haven't been able to really convince myself that it's true. If I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Now, I don't walk around every day thinking to myself "You're a failure!". Sometimes I just go and I don't think. But when I start to look at lists and compare (as I'm so fond of doing) I feel that chest tightening anxiety creep up. I've only done eight things today and taken care of myself and my child? That's nothing! I should have done twelve. Or, perhaps fifteen. My husband is always telling me I need to find that middle ground. If only I could negate the need for pesky sleep, I could get so much more done!

Some days I do well with positive affirmation. I say, hey, doing all these tasks was a great accomplishment. You deserve a break. But, I find it hard to take a break. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I told myself that I was NOT going to do any business type work on Thanksgiving. But, I had such a hard time just sitting down and relaxing. I got up and cleaned. I tried to stay away from the computer, because I simply cannot sit at my computer without gravitating toward work. I have a lot of self inflicted guilt trips. If I'm sitting down and not working, I feel like a lazy bum and I feel the guilt. Why don't I deserve to relax? I'm always encouraging other people to relax and reward themselves but I can't seem to encourage myself to do so.

It's always a work in progress. Acceptance is the first step, right?

Comparisons

I've written probably six posts in my head, but I have a hard time coming in and actually putting them into written word. There are a few traps that I fall into. One is the whole 'I'm busy! So busy! I'm running around like the infamous headless chicken.' Which is true. But, the other trap is that I have a hard time trying to nail my thoughts down in some way that makes sense. The writing flows so smoothly in my head but when it's time to type it up, it just doesn't come out right. Anyway.

I have three brothers in total, all younger than me. One is only nineteen months younger, he's #2. One is nearly four full years younger, and he's #3. Number four is much younger, at almost thirteen years behind me. When it was just #2, #3 and myself, #2 and I used to get very frustrated with #3 because he seemed so different than us. My mother would tell us that we were both 'above average' while #3 was just 'normal' ... but that's okay. Now that I look back on that as an adult, I feel like pointing out the fact he was 'normal' while we were 'above' implies that it wasn't okay.

As the time passes I feel pretty confident that our daughter is gifted. It's not just her abilities that are easily measured, like knowing the alphabet, and some phonics, shapes, colors and so forth. It's also her maturity, her sense of humor, the way she interacts - really, everything about her. She seems so much older than she is, and sometimes I forget that she is still such a baby (almost 22 months). And now we are expecting a second child in late April of next year. I am afraid of being unable to resist the temptation to compare them. With our daughter being so phenomenal, will I be awed by our second child as well? What if they are 'just average'? I feel guilty just thinking that phrase, because it feels like I'm being my mother all over again. I'm implying that there is something wrong with average. I guess it's related to the fear I had before we had our first. I truly was afraid that perhaps I would be unable to relate if I had an 'average' child. So much guilt. I feel like I'm some failure of a parent because I wouldn't be the type to just blindly say my child is perfect no matter what. I guess there are so many things in life that you can't know for sure until you live them, and this is one of those things.

Oh, and I did want to add to the credit of my brother (#3), I do think he is 'above average' now that we are both adults. I can see more about him that I didn't see as a child. But, our lives were chaotic and unfortunately, #2 and I bonded a lot closer (probably largely due to our close ages) than I really ever did with #3.  I happen to think all of my brothers are very intelligent in their own ways and they all have their own special capabilities. I hope that since I can see this with my brothers, that I won't have an issue seeing it with my children as well.

The "G" Word

I was a gifted child. Perhaps I should say I am now a gifted adult, but honestly it doesn’t feel like it on a lot of days. I feel weird saying it. Gifted. It seems to have such negative connotations. As if those who know they are gifted are implying that they are perfect. Nobody is perfect; no matter how smart you are. It’s a word met with doubt and disgust. “Everybody thinks their child is gifted.” Do they, really? I think that those who hope for giftedness don’t fully understand what it entails.

For years I feel like I’ve pushed this behind me. Perhaps part of it was just feeling disappointed with myself; feeling like I wasn’t all that intelligent after all. But having my daughter and watching her blossom has really set me in motion. I see all the possibilities in her and I feel like I have to be in touch with myself to be the best mother that I can be. All the thoughts in my head are a jumbled mess (as they often are these days) but I wanted to get them out. Even if it is just a piece at a time.