Uninspired and radically inspired at the same time?

I am not sure if I mentioned my great need for change during this pregnancy. There is this overwhelming sense of urgency to change my life, myself, and my surroundings. I don't remember experiencing this when I was pregnant the first time. I wonder if part of it is because this pregnancy was a 'surprise' and the lack of control over the whole situation is driving my inner control freak insane. There seem to be a few key issues I'm facing.

For one, life just feels cluttered. Both in a physical sense and in an emotional and mental sense. I really want to streamline the amount of stuff we have and I want to set more time aside to be free from electronic distractions. Life seems so fast and heavy. You have so much stimulus being thrown at you from every angle. Generally, for somebody like me, who requires this kind of scenario to be content, it's great. But, right now it just feels overwhelming. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping any. I'm tired of wasting time and energy getting angry at the internet. It's just not worth the effort, when I could be applying that energy toward more useful actions.

My second issue is that I am having the worst time being happy with what I do. After five years, I am really feeling the burn out. I feel stuck in this uncreative, uninspired rut. My feet are dragging and my heart isn't in it. Again, a lot of this feeling has come on while I've been pregnant so I think the issues I've had (emotionally AND physically) with the pregnancy are affecting my mindset toward my career (and my 'art' if you will). I'm hoping that post-baby, I can do some things to get my fires burning again. It seems I've lost myself somewhere along the way, as cliche as that sounds.

It's been so interesting that reading about gifted children has really caused me to re-evaluate myself. I'm seeing myself in ways I never could before. I'm just ready to shake things up and keep my spark alive. There is no settling.

A Tidbit

"Gifted children and adults see the world differently because of the complexity of their thought processes and their emotional intensity.    People often say to them, “Why do you make everything so complicated?” “Why do you take everything so seriously?”  “Why is everything so important to you?”  The gifted are “too” everything:  too sensitive, too intense, too driven, too honest, too idealistic, too moral, too perfectionistic, and too much for other people! Even if they try their entire lives to fit in, they still feel like misfits.  The damage we do to gifted children and adults by ignoring this phenomenon is far greater than any damage we might do by labeling it.  Without the label for their differences, the gifted come up with their own label:  “I must be crazy.  No one else is upset by this injustice but me.”"

Or as most people tell me.. 'Just relax'. And I tell them.. if only it was that easy. My relax button is broken. Or, perhaps it's just missing entirely.

Source: http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/resources/parent-and-professional-resources/articles/issues-in-gifted-education/what-is-giftedness/

Limiting My Potential?

It's really strange how it feels like I've unintentionally limited my own potential over the last (who knows how many) few years. I've become so stagnant. Even though I didn't find going to college particularly stimulating (primarily stressful), it still often felt like my brain was moving in the 'right' direction. I have my business and I'm always trying to improve myself there, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I require such a strong amount of stimulation to feel, well, stimulated. Boredom tends to lead me straight into depression. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way, but I didn't really realize it.

I've always known I was an intelligent person. I knew I had been tested as 'gifted'. But, it seems the farther I got from my youth, the farther I got from that as well. I guess part of it is just that you tend to level out a little, because there is a ceiling of progression on certain skills. But, somewhere I just lost focus on my brain. I think you're always learning something, but I have often felt like I was just on auto pilot. Especially after having a child.

Yesterday, just out of curiosity, I was asking my Mother about my gifted testing. She says* that I tested at an IQ of 168 in the third grade. She also says the school told her that was the highest score of any child that had come through their system and they felt like I could do high school level work. I had always had it in my mind that my score was around the 147/148 mark. Of course, I believe this was on the SB L-M, and I know scores on 'modern' tests tend to be quite a bit lower for people who test on both, but it would still equal out to the exceptionally gifted range.


*My Mother has never been the type to exaggerate things for the sake of bragging. She's pretty practical and honest, BUT I'm not vouching 100% for her memory. Ha.

I say all this because my reaction was... But, I don't feel that smart. What is someone who is 'exceptionally gifted' supposed to feel like? I so often feel that I should be able to leap every hurdle in life as if it's nothing. Mentally I know this isn't the case. Being a 'gifted' person doesn't mean you're a perfect person. That doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for not being perfect.

I've been examining myself a lot lately. I am trying not to take my feelings and my habits (quirks) for granted. Reading more into gifted children, as an adult, really opens my eyes to how different I was as a child. Not better, just different.

That brings me into my other thought, and I'm not sure if I've already said this here or not. I find it slightly discouraging that people can talk freely about their children's mental facilities in the aspect of things like autism/aspergers or other developmental issues...but, if you want to talk about your child being gifted, than you're either full of crap or you're bragging. I see it as being so similar, actually, but most people don't.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm sure I'll have more to ramble about later.

Gifted is a dirty word, but ego is a dirtier one.

I'm certainly not without my faults. I can easily give you a list of faults a mile long. I know I have had my moments where I certainly felt I was more intelligent than most of the people around me. However, I always try and keep a level head. I don't walk around as if I am some all knowing, holy deity and others are blessed to be in the presence of my swelled head. Intelligence is not the end all of being a human being. Yes, I get frustrated often by people I feel are 'stupid'. I often get frustrated by people who don't do things the way I would do them (which is the majority of people). But, there is a point at which ego crosses a line. Just think about Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. How does anybody tolerate him? He is a character. He's meant to be an exaggeration. It's not so much his many quirks, but his unrelenting superiority complex, that makes him so obnoxious (with just enough lovable bits thrown in to hook the audience, of course).

Does it somehow make me less gifted if I don't act like an asshole?  I know some people who always, always have to prove their point. Why? What kind of terrible insecurity are you suffering that you must make it very clear to everybody that you are always right? I think that really hits the nail on the head for the majority of people. It's a lack of confidence in oneself that makes people desperate to have others look up to them.

Perhaps it is my own ego that clashes with these people. I don't believe I know 'it all', or anywhere close to 'it all', but I still would hate for anybody to imply that I am of lesser intelligence. Maybe I can't tolerate either extreme. Maybe, I just need more sleep. Strike that. I definitely need more sleep.

Rediscovering Myself

It's different when you look back at your childhood as an adult. I lived through it, obviously, but I feel so removed from it now. I have been reading so much information on gifted children and it gives me this weird flashback feeling, as if  someone was watching me and writing these things. Then, I immediately feel as conceited as that sounds. Am I really as intelligent as I think I am? When I see my childhood self, I can see that I was clearly gifted. However, I often don't feel that way anymore. I suppose it's all a matter of perception. Everybody tells me how impressed they are by things I do, but I feel they're just giving me lip service. My expectations are so lofty, but I still feel like I should be able to accomplish them.

I look at myself and I wonder sometimes, why aren't I some uppity asshole in a gifted forum who likes to virtually run around trying to dominate everybody else with my superior vocabulary? Some people seem to think that's what 'gifted' is. I rarely read anymore, which makes me sad. It also  makes me feel like I'm not entitled to say I'm intelligent. What happened to the days of pouring over encyclopedias and college textbooks for 'fun'? Oh right. I have a kid (plus half of one), a business, a husband and a home. Those things take time, even for a gifted person.

But, I need to stop and recognize who I am. It's who I've always been. Just because I'm not some holier than thou scholar doesn't mean I've somehow lost my worth. I remember a therapist told me once, "Even if you do nothing but sit on that couch, you have value." I try to remember this when I feel like I can't live up to my own standards.

I had a point when I started this post, but I lost it somewhere between the third and fourth time my toddler required my attention. Until next time.

True Words

This was posted on the Supporting Gifted Learners Facebook page and I just felt it was so true.

‎100 Words of Wisdom: Rose Blackett

“Giftedness is quirky; she wears her unique feather cloak with abandon. She cares little for how others judge her as she dances her own sequence through a colourful life. Giftedness has learned to accept her intensity but often still feels vulnerable. When she enters a room, others notice her peculiar movements; she cannot be the chameleon and just blend. She is close friends with Talent and Ability, although they sometimes find her too sensitive. She uses humour with skill and although popular, wonders if the impostor she hides beneath her unusual exterior will one day be revealed to the world …” 

First published in SENGVine, December 2012.

Invisible Mountains and Demon Slayers

I haven't been in the best frame of mind for a while now. Logically, I can recognize that I'm depressed. I've been experiencing some of the worst depression I've felt in a long time. It's actually slightly better than it was a couple of weeks ago; but I still feel unhappy. On top of already feeling unhappy, I feel guilty for even feeling that way. I'm very much a supporter of the idea that 'all emotions are valid' but I can't help beating myself up a little bit. There is no reason for me to be depressed. I can only assume it was triggered by being exhausted, overworked and pregnant. But, now I'm not so overworked, and yet I'm still depressed. It's incredibly frustrating. I have no motivation;  no excitement. I'm exhausted all the time. I've fought many bouts with depression in my life, but in the past I always had some trigger to blame it on. Now, I can only blame it on myself.

Admitting I have a problem doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I have zero desire to take any kind of medication for it, especially being pregnant. I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and feel good again. I have so many thoughts that make me sad and ashamed. Not to mention my brain needs a good thorough spring cleaning.

The munchkin, on the other hand, is just amazing. Her speech is on at least a three year old level (she'll be two three weeks). Her understanding and perception just blows me away. Sometimes I forget how young she is, because she's so incredibly bright. She picks up on the smallest things and she remembers things after only seeing or hearing them once. Now, if only we can get the potty training thing done!