Rivers Running Over

There are rivers of poetry running through my head at the most inopportune times. I can write entire novels lying in bed in the middle of the night, but by the time I get to the place that I can try and write them down, I just stare at a blank page. It seems to happen with every creative idea I come up, or even with thoughts and feelings I'd like to extract. Maybe that's a summary of my life all together. All these great plans and ideas are running through my head and yet I feel like I am able to accomplish such a small number of them. I guess that brings me to a recent self revelation. I'm not sure that I'm actually an A type. I feel like I'm not actually organized enough to be a true 'Type A'. I CAN be organized, but then I look at all the places I fail to be organized in my life and I go 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I live up to this label?'

Then I forgot all about finishing this thought. Unsurprising. Maybe I will later. But, maybe never.

The Spaces In Between

I actually write posts for this blog all the time. In my head. They just never make it to the blog. Someday, maybe?

I need to organize this jumbled mess.

Little Things, Big Impact

Long time, no post. Having a second child really takes it out of you, let me tell you that... Anyway, here are one of the things on my mind right now.

It's interesting how seemingly tiny events in your life can stick with you for entirely too long. Why are certain memories such triggers for strong emotions? I was only in public school for a relatively short period of time. I started in Kindergarten and got moved into the first grade. Then I was taken out in fourth grade. I went back for the majority of sixth grade due to life situations, and after that I didn't go anymore. There are two specific instances that made huge negative impressions on me as a child. These are two instances I have honestly come back to again and again over the years, wishing I could tell the teachers involved how I felt about the situation. I was on the Davidson forums and there was a thread and someone asked about times gifted children felt misunderstood. At the time I was reading it, these didn't come to mind, but now that I think about it, they are perfect examples of being misunderstood.

So, in an effort to try and let it go, I'm going to write some open letters to these teachers.  

Dear Fourth Grade Homeroom Teacher, 

I had been quite content in the elementary school. I was able to attend gifted and talented classes three times a week and it kept me from becoming too overwhelmingly bored. However, after switching to the "intermediate school" I was only able to take classes once per week, since I now had to be bussed over to the elementary school to do so. I remember sitting in your class one morning and I had finished whatever trite busywork you had given us and I politely raised my hand to ask for more to do. And, I won't lie, perhaps my memory is fooling me, but I remember that you snapped at me and told me to be quiet and put my head down until everybody else was down. I can remember fighting back the tears. Why was I being punished? Why was finishing my work early something wrong? It's not as if I started acting out, being noisy or being a distraction to others. I was behaving within the confines of the classroom rules, yet I was still being punished. Perhaps one reason this sticks out in my mind so much is that it had never happened to me. I had never once been punished in school before, and perhaps you didn't intend this to be 'punishment' but that's what it felt like to me. I am incredibly thankful that because of someone like you, who didn't try and understand and encourage a child like me, that my Mother decided to take me out of public school short thereafter. I hope that if you ever had the chance to teach a gifted child after that, that instead of squashing them and trying to fit them into a box that makes your life easier, you tried to do your best to encourage their minds.

-B


 _____________________________________  

Dear Sixth Grade Homeroom Teacher, 


This was an incredibly difficult time in my life. You didn't know that and it really has no bearing on what happened. Every afternoon in homeroom we would have a period where we were supposed to read, and you would initial the number of pages we read. I have been a voracious reader since I was very small. By the time I was in sixth grade, I would read college text books just for fun. But, on the day in my memory, I happened to be reading the book 'Beauty' by Bill Wallace. It's only around a 3rd - 7th level and it was the third time I had read it (what can I say, I loved horse books). It only makes sense that I would be reading it very, very quickly. Even faster than my already speedy normal reading speed. However, when I gave you the page I recorded my numbers on, you flat out told me I didn't read that many pages and you wouldn't sign for it. You acted like you were disgusted with me because I was lying to you. I tried to insist I had read that many but you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't ask any questions. You didn't ask if I'd read the book before. All you did was assume the worst of me. I remember trying so hard to hold back my tears. I felt embarrassed, even though I had done nothing wrong. I'm not sure why you never seemed to like me, despite the fact I was never anything but perfectly behaved. I hope that in the future you stopped to think before you made a brash judgment about something a student did. I hope that you softened in time. 

-B


Both of these instances probably seem pretty insignificant to most people. It's not as if every time I think of them I am stricken to tears. They just seemed to make some kind of long lasting impression on me about public school in particular. I KNOW that there are good teachers out there. I had a couple of teachers I really liked in public school. I have friends that are teachers and I know they care very much about their students. Unfortunately, I also know that public schools tend to force teachers to cater to the lowest common denominator and that children who skew on the other side of the curve tend to get left out of the equation. The teachers above, I feel, were at fault in these situations. They were disrespectful to me. How hard would it have been to throw me another sheet of busy work or to ask me a couple of questions about how I had managed to read so many pages? Instead, they followed the idea of 'I'm the teacher and I'm right, you're the student and you're wrong' (think about the bit from Matilda, if you've seen it.. I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong). It's so important to remember that even a small interaction with someone can make a lasting impression on their lives. These people have, all these years later, made me scared to send my children to a public school. Especially knowing that my daughter is my clone and will no doubt follow a very similar path as myself. I never want her to feel punished because she's intelligent and ahead of the curve. It's nothing that you should ever have to feel shame or embarrassment over, and yet so many children (especially females!) do.

Uninspired and radically inspired at the same time?

I am not sure if I mentioned my great need for change during this pregnancy. There is this overwhelming sense of urgency to change my life, myself, and my surroundings. I don't remember experiencing this when I was pregnant the first time. I wonder if part of it is because this pregnancy was a 'surprise' and the lack of control over the whole situation is driving my inner control freak insane. There seem to be a few key issues I'm facing.

For one, life just feels cluttered. Both in a physical sense and in an emotional and mental sense. I really want to streamline the amount of stuff we have and I want to set more time aside to be free from electronic distractions. Life seems so fast and heavy. You have so much stimulus being thrown at you from every angle. Generally, for somebody like me, who requires this kind of scenario to be content, it's great. But, right now it just feels overwhelming. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping any. I'm tired of wasting time and energy getting angry at the internet. It's just not worth the effort, when I could be applying that energy toward more useful actions.

My second issue is that I am having the worst time being happy with what I do. After five years, I am really feeling the burn out. I feel stuck in this uncreative, uninspired rut. My feet are dragging and my heart isn't in it. Again, a lot of this feeling has come on while I've been pregnant so I think the issues I've had (emotionally AND physically) with the pregnancy are affecting my mindset toward my career (and my 'art' if you will). I'm hoping that post-baby, I can do some things to get my fires burning again. It seems I've lost myself somewhere along the way, as cliche as that sounds.

It's been so interesting that reading about gifted children has really caused me to re-evaluate myself. I'm seeing myself in ways I never could before. I'm just ready to shake things up and keep my spark alive. There is no settling.

A Tidbit

"Gifted children and adults see the world differently because of the complexity of their thought processes and their emotional intensity.    People often say to them, “Why do you make everything so complicated?” “Why do you take everything so seriously?”  “Why is everything so important to you?”  The gifted are “too” everything:  too sensitive, too intense, too driven, too honest, too idealistic, too moral, too perfectionistic, and too much for other people! Even if they try their entire lives to fit in, they still feel like misfits.  The damage we do to gifted children and adults by ignoring this phenomenon is far greater than any damage we might do by labeling it.  Without the label for their differences, the gifted come up with their own label:  “I must be crazy.  No one else is upset by this injustice but me.”"

Or as most people tell me.. 'Just relax'. And I tell them.. if only it was that easy. My relax button is broken. Or, perhaps it's just missing entirely.

Source: http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/resources/parent-and-professional-resources/articles/issues-in-gifted-education/what-is-giftedness/

Limiting My Potential?

It's really strange how it feels like I've unintentionally limited my own potential over the last (who knows how many) few years. I've become so stagnant. Even though I didn't find going to college particularly stimulating (primarily stressful), it still often felt like my brain was moving in the 'right' direction. I have my business and I'm always trying to improve myself there, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I require such a strong amount of stimulation to feel, well, stimulated. Boredom tends to lead me straight into depression. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way, but I didn't really realize it.

I've always known I was an intelligent person. I knew I had been tested as 'gifted'. But, it seems the farther I got from my youth, the farther I got from that as well. I guess part of it is just that you tend to level out a little, because there is a ceiling of progression on certain skills. But, somewhere I just lost focus on my brain. I think you're always learning something, but I have often felt like I was just on auto pilot. Especially after having a child.

Yesterday, just out of curiosity, I was asking my Mother about my gifted testing. She says* that I tested at an IQ of 168 in the third grade. She also says the school told her that was the highest score of any child that had come through their system and they felt like I could do high school level work. I had always had it in my mind that my score was around the 147/148 mark. Of course, I believe this was on the SB L-M, and I know scores on 'modern' tests tend to be quite a bit lower for people who test on both, but it would still equal out to the exceptionally gifted range.


*My Mother has never been the type to exaggerate things for the sake of bragging. She's pretty practical and honest, BUT I'm not vouching 100% for her memory. Ha.

I say all this because my reaction was... But, I don't feel that smart. What is someone who is 'exceptionally gifted' supposed to feel like? I so often feel that I should be able to leap every hurdle in life as if it's nothing. Mentally I know this isn't the case. Being a 'gifted' person doesn't mean you're a perfect person. That doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for not being perfect.

I've been examining myself a lot lately. I am trying not to take my feelings and my habits (quirks) for granted. Reading more into gifted children, as an adult, really opens my eyes to how different I was as a child. Not better, just different.

That brings me into my other thought, and I'm not sure if I've already said this here or not. I find it slightly discouraging that people can talk freely about their children's mental facilities in the aspect of things like autism/aspergers or other developmental issues...but, if you want to talk about your child being gifted, than you're either full of crap or you're bragging. I see it as being so similar, actually, but most people don't.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm sure I'll have more to ramble about later.

Gifted is a dirty word, but ego is a dirtier one.

I'm certainly not without my faults. I can easily give you a list of faults a mile long. I know I have had my moments where I certainly felt I was more intelligent than most of the people around me. However, I always try and keep a level head. I don't walk around as if I am some all knowing, holy deity and others are blessed to be in the presence of my swelled head. Intelligence is not the end all of being a human being. Yes, I get frustrated often by people I feel are 'stupid'. I often get frustrated by people who don't do things the way I would do them (which is the majority of people). But, there is a point at which ego crosses a line. Just think about Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. How does anybody tolerate him? He is a character. He's meant to be an exaggeration. It's not so much his many quirks, but his unrelenting superiority complex, that makes him so obnoxious (with just enough lovable bits thrown in to hook the audience, of course).

Does it somehow make me less gifted if I don't act like an asshole?  I know some people who always, always have to prove their point. Why? What kind of terrible insecurity are you suffering that you must make it very clear to everybody that you are always right? I think that really hits the nail on the head for the majority of people. It's a lack of confidence in oneself that makes people desperate to have others look up to them.

Perhaps it is my own ego that clashes with these people. I don't believe I know 'it all', or anywhere close to 'it all', but I still would hate for anybody to imply that I am of lesser intelligence. Maybe I can't tolerate either extreme. Maybe, I just need more sleep. Strike that. I definitely need more sleep.